14 HR Q/A that will not help you to get job!

In today’s time, if you do not know how to sell yourself then life would be tough for you. In marketing terms, I may say to sell something you need to realize what the customer wants from the product. So as a human product, when a person sale himself to any company he has to go through some common questions, whose answers are predictable. The interviewer expects you to give honestly dishonest answers.

Here is my list of 14 questions with their answers that will not help you to get the job.

Tell me about yourself?

Interviewer expects me to: Start with something that will impress him and convince him why I am well qualified for the position.

My answer from mind:

I am Arindam….. The story continues

My answer from heart:

I have nothing special. I am another human just like anyone else who has two legs, two eyes, two ears, one nose, twenty fingers and one big heart.

What are your great Strengths?

Interviewer expects me to speak few of these qualities.

Intelligence, Management “savvy”, Good fit with corporate culture, someone to feel comfortable with a team player who meshes well with interviewer’s team, Likability  positive attitude, sense of humor, Good communication skills, dedication, willingness to walk the extra mile to achieve excellence, definiteness of purpose, clear goals, Enthusiasm, high level of motivation, Confident, leader.

My Answer from mind: I am good team player. I am flexible…. Etc….

My answer from heart: Honest to myself but not to others.

What are your greatest weaknesses?

Interviewer expects me to disguise strength as a weakness to create a good impression.

My answer from mind: I am soft-spoken.  I do not take right amount of break at the right time to stop from getting exhausted

My Answer from heart: I fall in love with Beautiful intelligent girls too often.

Tell me about something you did – or failed to do – that you now feel a little ashamed of?

As with faults and weaknesses, Interviewer expects me to never confess regrets. But I also have to make sure it doesn’t seem as if I am stonewalling either.

My Answer from mind: I have to pause for reflection, as if the question never occurred to you. Then say to hr, “You know, I really can’t think of anything.” (Pause again, and then add): “I would add that as a general management principle, I’ve found that the best way to avoid regrets is to avoid causing them in the first place.

MY answer from heart: I could have cracked any one of those previous interviews. So that I would not have to face those same questions once again.

Why should I hire you?

Interviewer expects me to walk through each of the position’s requirements as I understand them, and follow each with a reason why I meet that requirement so well.

My Answer from mind: “As I understand your needs, you are first and foremost looking for someone who can create test cases, execute them and also generate the report. As you’ve said you need someone with strong domain knowledge. This is where I’ve spent almost my entire career, so I think I can do justice with the position and responsibility of the job.”

My Answer from heart: So that I can invite you for dinner, after getting married to my long time girl friend who is still waiting for me to get a job with a high salary; so that I could marry her.

Aren’t you overqualified for this position?

It’s an invitation to teach the interviewer a new way to think about this situation, seeing advantages instead of drawbacks.

My Answer From mind: Blah blah blah…….

My Answer From Heart: Yes, I am. But I have no other options. That’s why I have to answer all these bullsh*t questions of yours.

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Reassure your interviewer that you’re looking to make a long-term commitment…that this position entails exactly what you’re looking to do and what you do extremely well.

My Answer from Mind: I want to see myself as a team leader leading a group of people…… bhow bhow bhow bhow…….

My Answer from Heart: Living happily with my parents, my siblings, my wife and two sons in a 3BHK flat.

Why have you been out of work so long?

You want to emphasize factors which have prolonged your job search by your own choice.

Answer from mind: “After I quit my last job, I made a conscious decision not to jump on the first opportunities to come along. In my life, I’ve found out that you can always turn a negative into a positive IF you try hard enough. This is what I determined to do. I decided to take whatever time I needed to think through what I do best, what I most want to do, where I’d like to do it…and then identify those companies that could offer such an opportunity.”

My Answer from heart: There was no one else in my home to buy vegetables for my parents. I did not want my old parents to do that at this stage of their lives.

What are your outside interests?

My Answer from mind: I love working in NGOs and engage myself in Charity work.

My Answer from heart: Flirting with beautiful girls, partying hard with friends, hitting likes on beautiful girl’s status message on Facebook and checking if the people you may know space is showing any new beautiful girls face.

Are you suitable for night shifts that is US/UK shifts?

My Answer from Mind: Yes, I am available 24×7.

My Answer from Heart: No, there are better stuffs to do during night for a man, other than working at an office.

What are your hobbies?

Answer from mind: Reading novels, listening music, playing soccer.

Answer from heart: Counting pigeons, flirting with beautiful girls without hurting their sentiments and playing with street dogs when they are free.

What makes you angry?

My Answer from Mind: I have a lot of patience. Generally I don’t get angry. I get angry when someone disturbs me when I m busy in my work and they are not doing their job also.

My Answer from Heart: When a person asks too many illogical questions and tries to find the logic in the answer of the other person.

 

So here are 14 answer from both mind and heart to those 14 common questions an interviewer asks. If you can answer them from mind, the job is all yours and if you will answer from heart, then better luck next time. The choice should be yours.

What! you people are counting the number of questions and want to tell me that, I’ve cheated you  by just sharing 12 question. Yes that is actually another part of job hunt. Always try to convince others that your capability is higher than what it actually is.

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Posted in: humor